Jokes please!

Did you hear about the man who put a steering wheel in his pants? His nuts were driving him mad.

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

If the opposite of pro is con, what's the opposite of progress?

What did the fish say when it ran into the wall................DAM!!! :lol2: :lol2:

what's black and white and red all over.........ah shucks my fingers from writing all the notes on the show and typing on the keyboard

dang it, mine are either too visual or too rude

good luck then try and think of metaphors we'll get it at least some of us will :lol2:

Three men are LOST in the desert. Suddenly, they see in the distance a tall slide. They all climb the slide and meet a wizard at the top of it. The wizard says to the men, "I can tell you are thirsty. Slide down this slide and shout the name of a drink. You will land in a big vat of this drink," So the first man goes down and shouts, "Pepsi!" and sploosh, he lands in Pepsi. The second man slides down shouting "Gatorade!" and sploosh he lands in Gatorade. The third man goes down the slide shouting, "Weeeeee!" ..... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

How many A.D.D kids does it take to screw in a light bulb... wannna go ride bikes

How many Ska kids does it take to screw in a light blub, 10 one to go up and drop the light bulb and the other 9 to say Pick it up Pick it up Pick it up Pick it up Pick it up Pick it up

How many writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, one screw it in almost all the way, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Isn't that where you're supposed to wash the vegetables?

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he says he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."