I find some of the dumbest jokes to be hilarious. I've decided to make a thread where you list cheesy jokes that you think are funny so I don't feel so lonely

Here's one I just heard today:

I tried snuffing coke but I got ice cubes stuck up my nose.

A Horse Walks Into a Bar

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
;)

Dirty joke: A horse fell in the mud!

Clean joke: The horse took a bath!

I just love those, even if they are extremely lame! LOL!

Marina :lol2:

its not a joke, but i just love those shirts that say,

"how to entertain an idiot for hours on back of shirt"

then you turn it over and it says

"how to entertain an idiot for hours on front of shirt"

Oh my God! That was hilarious, Marina! :lol2:

What's the most important part of a horse?


The MANE part!

That's brilliant! :D

''things could be worse I could stuck in this job and look like you'' :lol2:

''Why did the chicken cross the road -

I don't know I ran over it before I could find out'' :lol2:

what does the starship Enterprise have in common with toilet tissue?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons. :lol2:

:lol2: ^
Why does the hummingbird hum?
Because it can't sing.

Why is the sky blue?

Because if it was green you would never know when to cut your grass.

I think my favourite lame joke would have to be:

A man walked into a bar.

:P

One day, a man was driving down the road. He sees a sign that says: "Puppies--FREE!". He decides that he is going to get a puppy. So, the man gets the puppy and he's driving down the road. He sees a sign that says: "County Hairiest Dog Contest". The man looks at his dog, decides he thinks the dog is hairy enough, and pays $5 to enter the contest. There's a $50 first place prize, so $5 isn't that much.

The three judges come up to him.
"That's a pretty hairy dog."
"That dog is really hairy."
"I don't think I've ever seen such a hairy dog."

The man wins the prize. So, he's driving down the road and he sees a sign that says: "Tri-County Area Hairiest Dog Contest". The man decides to enter since it only costs $10. He may get a $500 prize.

The judges come up to the man and his dog.
"Sure is a hairy dog you've got there."
"Wow, that's one hairy dog."
"You're dog is really hairy!"

The man and the dog win the contest and hit the road. While driving, the man sees a sign that says: "State Hairiest Dog Conest". He decides to pay $50 to enter the dog, and maybe win the prize of $1,000.

The judges come up to them.
"You have a really hairy dog there."
"That dog is mind-blowingly hairy!"
"I'm in shock at how hairy your dog is."

The man and his dog win the prize. Driving down the road, the man sees another sign that says: "National Hairiest Dog Contest". The entrance fee is exactly how much money the man and his dog have one, and the prize is $10,000. The man decides to enter his dog anyway. They've been doing really well so far.

The judges come up to the man and his dog.
"By God! I've never seen such a hairy dog!"
"This is probably the hairiest dog I've seen so far."
"Yeah, your dog's not that hairy."

And the man and his dog lose the contest.

Jane told Michael "I know a man with one leg named Smith"
"What's the name of his other leg?"

Ok, so there are these two muffins in an oven

One muffin turns to the other and says "Man, its hot in here!"

and the other muffin looks at the muffin and says "Holy Crap! A talking muffin!"

ROFL at all of those! lol. I burst out laughing so hard and then had to shush cuz my mom is teaching piano. :P I especially loved the Starship Enterprise one lol, i'm not a big fan of Star Trek so that's prolly why i've never heard that one before. I don't have a corny joke but i just decided to appreciate your corniness ;D

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts!!!

There were these two potato chips walking through the park... and one was a Dorito.

Why did the monkey fall off the tree?

Because it was dead.

(I still laugh at this one) :lol2:

I'm tellin' that one to the "friends" tomorrow, Aurora10! That was brilliant! :laugh:

Lol, must be cuz it's late at night ;)

Probably. Everyone's going to think I'm so weird when I keep telling them all of these jokes tomorrow!

But they're good! lmao Lame jokes are awesome because....well, they're lame.

I found this one funny but no one else did...

What did Eminem say when 50 cent made him a sweater?

Gee, you knit?

I heard that one about three years ago. It's still funny.

I like your Mastershake avatar, Master_Shake.

Thank you, theG.

Another one, a little racist, but here goes:

How do Chinese people name their children?

Drop a handful of forks.

Knock knock
Who's there
Impatient cow
impatie
MOOO!!!!

And you can do all of the animals.

I'm so using that one, peanutbutter.

I must warn youthat if you use it continuously, it is guarenteed to annoy your friends and family.

Two men walk into a bar.

The third man ducked.



Blonde jokes are always good for a laugh. No offense, of course.

I LOVED the gee, you knit? one. lmao

More lame jokes to entertain the masses:

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin' Catholic!

Why did the bee cross his legs? Because he couldn't find the BP station!

What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield? His butt!

Marina :lol2: :lol2:

What's brown and sticky?
A Stick.

boom boom.

A bloke goes to the doctor with a steering wheel down his underpants. The doc says, "What's that?" The guy replies, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"

Yes. I'm here all week.

Take my wife... please.

etc.

''Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?''

''Well, it drove down the road and TURNED into a field!'' :lol2:

Laziest joke in the world (below) :laugh:

''An Englishman, An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub - and hilarity ensued'' :lol2:

What do you call a sheep with no legs?



A cloud :D That one STILL makes me laugh 4 years later

Keep it coming with the jokes, people! I'm in a ghastly funk. I need these jokes to cheer me up!

There is a american man a english man and a chinese man. they are all stuck on an island so the american tells the english man to make a fire and he tells the chinese man to get some suplies.

After half an hour the english man returns to the american man but the chinese man is still not there. so they wait and wait but he doesnt come back so they go and look for him. all of a sudden the chinese man jumps out of a bush and screams SUPLIES!!

Made me laugh every time my dad told it. :lol2:

There are three construction workers sitting on a ledge. There's an Italian man, a Mexican man, and an American man. They're all eating lunch.

The Italian man opens his lunch box to find spaghetti. "Spaghetti! If I get spaghetti one more time I'm going to jump off this ledge," he says.

The Mexican man opens his lunch box to find tacos. "Tacos! If I get tacos one more time I'm going to jump off this ledge," he says.

The American man opens his lunch box to find PB&J. "PB&J! If I get PB&J one more time I'm going to jump off this ledge," he says.

The next day, the men are all sitting on the ledge and are about to eat lunch.

The Italian opens his lunch box. "SPAGHETTI!" he yells, and jumps off the ledge.

The Mexican opens his lunch box. "TACOS!" he yells, and jumps off the ledge.

The American opens his lunch box. "PB&J!" he yells, and jumps off the ledge.

At their funeral, the men's wives talk to each other.

"If only I knew he didn't want spaghetti," the Italian man's wife cried.

"If only I knew he didn't want tacos," the Mexican man's wife was in tears.

The American man's wife said, "He packed his own damn lunch."

There is a american man a english man and a chinese man. they are all stuck on an island so the american tells the english man to make a fire and he tells the chinese man to get some suplies.

After half an hour the english man returns to the american man but the chinese man is still not there. so they wait and wait but he doesnt come back so they go and look for him. all of a sudden the chinese man jumps out of a bush and screams SUPLIES!!

Made me laugh every time my dad told it. :lol2:



:lol2: loved it!

So, let's say Heaven isn't that great at all. It's kind of boring. There are three guys there: An Italian, a guy who picks up money off the street, and a gay guy.

God goes up to the Italian.

"If you promise to never go into an Italian restaurant again, I'll send you back to earth."

"Okay," he agrees. POOF! He's back on earth.

God goes up to the guy who picks up money off the street, "If you promise to never pick up money off the street again, I'll send you back to earth."

He agrees and POOF! He's back on earth.

God goes up to the gay guy, "If you promise to never check out another man again, I'll send you back to earth."

The man agrees. POOF! He's back on earth.

So, the Italian man is walking down the street. He sees an Italian restaurant. He can't resist. He goes in. POOF! He's back in Heaven.

The guy who picks up money off the street is walking down the street. He sees a nickel. He can't resist. He bends down to pick it up and POOF! He and the gay guy are back in Heaven.

I got this one off am email so I can't remember it very well.

A politician dies and goes to Heaven.
God says "I'll give you 1 day to stay in Heaven and 1 day to spend in Hell. By the end of those two days, you can decide where you want to go.".
So God sends the politician down to Hell for a day. When the doors to Hell open, he sees his friends and the Devil golfing and drinking champagne on a beautiful golf course. So he spends the day golfing and drinking with his friends and the Devil. The politician had so much fun that the day passed quickly.
God says "Now you have to spend a day in Heaven."
So the politician goes back to Heaven and spends his day playing the harp and flying around. He has so much fun that the day passes before he knows it.
God returns and asks "Where would you like to spend your afterlife?"
The politician says, "Heaven's been great and all, but I'd rather go to Hell."
God nods and the politician is back in Hell. Only the golf course is gone and his friends are chopping stone and having a miserable time while the Devil laughs and whips them.
The politician asks "What happened to the golf course and the champagne?"
The Devil replies, "Today they voted."

What do you call a potato chip that does'nt belong to you?

Nacho chip.

How do you know a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

A priest descides to blow off work to play golf. So he calls in to his church "sick". Two Angels are flying by and notice what's happening. One angel says to the other, "Hey, get a load of this guy. He thinks he can get away with that? I'll show him!"
The other angel replies, "Whoa there, calm down. Let me take care of this." and he flies down to the priest.
The priest proceeds to have the best game of golf ever, 18 holes-in one in a row!
The second angel returns looking smug. The first angel, in exasperation says, "What did you do that for? You gave him the best game of his life!"
To which the other angel replies, "Yeah, but whose he going to tell?"

Love lame jokes! Here's the lamest....

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him!

((YOU GUYS PLAY ALONG WITH THIS ONE OKAY!? so you say who's there and then I'll tell you and then you'll say Who... and ya know...))

Knock-Knock

who there

Butter

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts!!!


:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: that's hilarious!

Butter who? lol

I'm trying to write an essay and I have writers block. I'm pretty frustrated but these jokes are making it all better! lol

Did you hear about the baker that got electrocuted yesterday?

He stepped on bun and a current went up his leg :lol2:

YOU BUTTER BELIEVE IT!

:lol2:

Donut go there!!

KEEP YOUR CARROT OUTTA THIS!

Haha,

I told my sister the one about the three guys in heaven and then poofed back and she didn't get it at first lol. I guess it was easier for me cuz i was reading it :laugh:

:laugh: I heard that joke when I was about nine-years old and I got it.

I've got another lame joke about three guys.

So, these three guys are walking on a bridge.* They see a magic lamp so, of course, they rub it.* Out comes a genie and he makes them an offer.

"If you run, jump off of this bridge, and shout anything, you'll land safely in whatever you shout.* You each get one turn and one turn only."

The men agree.

The first man runs, jumps, and shouts, "GOLD!"* He safely lands in a pile of gold.

The next man runs, jumps, and shouts, "MONEY!" He safely lands in a pile of money.

The next guy runs, trips, falls off the bridge, and yells, "CRAP!"* He safely lands in a pile of crap (because censorship and all that* :-\ )

haha, yeah i've heard that one before lol. But you might even wanna edit the elongated word of it cuz I dunno what Karri would say

*grumble* *grumble* Eh. Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

Morris and his wife Esther went to the funfair every year, and every year, Morris would say
"Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter" Esther always replied
"Yes, it looks like fun Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 - and £50 is £50"
One year later, Esther and Morris went to the fair again. Morris said
"Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance"
Esther replied
"That's all very well Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 - and £50 is £50"
The pliot overheard the couple. he said
"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I wont charge you. But if you say one word it's £50"
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his dare devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said
"Blimey! I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied
"Well I was going to say something when Esther fell out halfway through, but £50 is £50"

A primary school teacher was trying to get her class to stop speaking in 'baby talk' and insisted on 'big people' words only.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend
"I visited my Nanna miss" said Chris
"No, you went to visit your grandmother. We're using 'big people' words here Chris!"
She then asked Rupert what he had done
"I took a ride on a choo-choo miss" replied Rupert
The teacher said
"No Rupert, you took a ride on a train, you must remember to use 'big people' words"
She then asked little Johnny what he had done
"I read a book miss" he replied
"That's wonderful!" the teacher said
"What book did you read?"
Johnny thought for a second, before saying
"Winnie The Sh!t, miss"

Jokes courtesy of Nuts magazine

My favorite bad joke in high school was,

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

**Nacho Cheese** :lol2:

Okay, if I can come up with something...........I will! But for now, keep me crackin up!!!!!!!

So this Pirate walks into a bar and his has this big ships steering wheel sticking out of his pants. So curious of course, the bartender asks what it's doing there, and the Pirate responds "Arr, it's driving me nuts."


:lol2:

:o

Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One seventy-five year old woman says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."

Hahaha, you people are cracking me up lol.

Your mom

Your smurf!

Your mom


I was so gonna put that but I was scared I would get linched :laugh:

Your face!

Your job :lol2:

:roflmao: gotta say the pirate is my fav.

Your life :lol2:

Did they catch the guy that ran over your face?

I can't believe no one has mentioned "You might be a redneck" jokes. Some of those crack me up almost every time, especially when coming from Jeff Foxworthy's mouth.

If you go to a family reunion to pick up women....you might be a redneck.

If your from porch collapses and four dogs are killed....you might be a redneck.

If you see a billboard that says "Say no to Crack" and it reminds you to pull up your jeans....you might be a redneck.

If you think Don Perignon is a mafia leader....you might be a redneck.

If you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.” ....you might be a redneck.

If you tell "You Might Be a Redneck If..." jokes (besides this one!), you might be a redneck.

If you tell "You Might Be a Redneck If..." jokes (besides this one!), you might be a redneck.


According to Jeff Foxworthy, we all have a little redneck in us. It is merely and utter lack of sohpistication and no one can be sophisticated all of the time ;D

Although................Well, while I was born and raised in Southern California, part of my family does hail from West Virginia, both Carolina's and parts of rural Ohio, so maybe you are on to something....maybe it's in the genes. ;D

In my defense, we have new cars, no pets, and am married to someone who is definitely not a cousin or otherwise related to me. ;D

Err...it was a joke...mainly 'cause Jeff Foxworth and the blue collar guys are not my cup of tea, to put it politely. To each their own :)

Err...it was a joke...mainly 'cause Jeff Foxworth and the blue collar guys are not my cup of tea, to put it politely.* To each their own* :)


Oh I know hence all of the smileys ;D I was just going along with it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Wouldn't you like to know! :P

Little Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up: fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. Little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took Little Johnny aside and quietly asked him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "He works for the Bush Campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

^LMAO!

:roflmao:

okay! That one got me! I loved it!!!!

Where do watermelons go for the summer?

To John Cougar's Melon camp! :lol2:

:lol2:

Why was Piglet looking in the toilet.

He was looking for Pooh.....

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas

He felt his presents (presence)

The Cannibal husband comes home from work & asks his cannibal wife, "What's for supper?"

She replies: "Baked Beings." :laughing:

(WE tell this joke in Indiana)

They were going to make a movie about the Bible in Kentucky,but had to call it off, 'cause they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. ;D

okay, this is my default joke... yes, i have a default joke... why? because for some reason, people ask me to tell them a joke... yeah... TELL them one... who does that? anyway:

a priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar... and that's just the FIRST guy.

ba-dum-bum hehe

OK it is WAY to late to be laughing this loud. I'm loving this thread.

This guy has a talking parrot with a foul mouth.
One day it says "F&^#" one too many times and his owner puts him in the freezer.
After a while he lets him out.
The bird very poilitely says "my good sir, I terribly sorry for my bad behavior. I will never speak that way again. I have just one question... What did the chicken do?"
Badump bump bump

There was this old irish farmer out in his field late one night who came near the woods & spotted a leprechaun. Well, he was able to tackle him before he could get away, and the little fellow said:
"Please sir, if yell only let me go, I'll grant ye one wish!"
The farmer thought about it and said: "Well, I've always wanted to go to America to visit my cousin, but I'm afraid to fly, and afraid of boats, so how about building me a highway across the ocean so I can drive there?"
The little fellow sat down with his face in his hands and said: "Faith and Begorah, man, do ye have any idea what an engineering feat that would be? Why, just sinking the pylons in the ocean floor would take 5 years, at least! I hate to ask this, but could ye pick something else?"

The farmer sat down sadly for awhile & finally said: "Well if ye cant do that, what I'd really like is to understand women. I want to know why they cry when they're happy. Laugh when they're sad...How they can be totally irrational half the time...Could ye just do that one thing for me?"

The leprechaun sat down again and buried his face in his hands,,,
"Will ye be havin' 2 lanes or 4 lanes?"


:laughing:

:lol2: Nice!

Oh,oh,oh l got some good ones

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids

What do prisoners use to call each other?
cell phones

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
a stick

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger that an 'A' bra

Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
anyone can roast beef

;D

Good ones, miss emme, You just made my day! :laughing:

Just remembered a good one:

Sherlock Holmes & Watson were taking a well deserved vacation and decided to go camping.
In the middle of the night, Holmes woke up Watson and said: "Watson, look up & tell me what you see."
Watson said: "I see a sky full of stars."
"UH HUH...and what do you deduce from that?" continued Holmes.
Watson thought a while, & finally responded: "Well, from an astronomical standpoint,
it tells me that we are just an infinitesimal speck in a vast & unknowable universe....
From a theological standpoint, it tells me that God is all powerfull, & there is truly no limit to His creation.
And from a meteorological standpoint, it tells me that it will be a clear day tomorrow, and we will have a great day of fishing! What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was quiet for a moment, & finally screamed: "WATSON - YOU FOOL! SOMEONE HAS STOLEN OUR TENT!"

:lol2:

what do you get when you cross a monster and a drip-dry-suit?

a wash and warewolf!!


what do you get when you cross a monster and an owl?

something that scares you and doesn't give a hoot!!

A piece of string walks into a bar
Bartender looks at it and says "we don't serve your kind here"
The piece of string leaves the bar, ties himself up, and rolls around in the dirt
It gets up and walks back into the bar
Bartender looks and it and says "aren't you the string that was just in here?"
The string looks at him and says "frayed knot!"

When you mow your lawn and find a car.....you might be a redneck

When your wallet and your dog are both on chains...you might be a redneck

When people come to your house everyday mistakingly thinking you're having a garage sale...you might be a redneck

Where's everybody been? We were having so much fun! We must keep this thread alive!

It's easy! Here, I'll get things going...

Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash?
To the dump. To the dump. To the dump dump dump!

What does the Fonz feed His horse?
HEEEEEEEY!

Why don't they sell M&Ms in Kentucky?
They're too hard to peel.

If you find H2O inside a fire hydrant...what do you find on the outside?
K9P.

My Wife treats me like a god...
Every night, she serves me a burnt offering.

"Mommy, am I a Vampire?"
"Shut up & eat your soup, before it clots!"

Hear about the blond mother & daughter who froze to death at the drive - in?
They went to see "Closed for the winter."

(And here's my all time favorite...)
There was a cowboy riding along when he came to a road, & there was an Indian laying
in the middle of the road with his ear pressed to the ground. The cowboy jumps off his horse
& says "What is it? What is it?
The Indian speaks slowly: "Blue 1968 Chevy station wagon....Man in brown suit driving...Woman in polkadot dress beside him.......Small boy and girl in back seat playing with scotty dog...."
"You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?" asked the cowboy.

"No....it run over me half hour ago.............. :laughing:

OMG! These are great! I have heard of some of them....I laugh at all those dumb jokes! I am loving the Sonic commercials because they are so lame they are funny! Tell me more!

OK! IF athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
mistletoe.

What is a blond wearing a brunette wig called?
Artificial intelligence.

A woman was in the dentist's office. She said "Oh doctor, I think I'd rather go through
childbirth than have this tooth pulled!"
"Well, make up your mind, lady. I've got to adjust the chair!"


(Please don't get me started!) ;D

HAHAHAHA!!!!

Why do they call them asteroids instead of hemmoriods?

A three - legged dog goes into a bar & says "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my Paw!"


What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Ell if I Know!


Define the term "Relative Humidity"
That's how much you sweat when you find out that the person you just slept with is really your 1st cousin.
:laughing:

Micheal Jackson died today from food poisioning. He had eaten a 12 year old weiner!

:roflmao:

What does an old refrigerator and Neverland Ranch have in common..
One you don't want to let your kids play in and the other one used to keep your food cold!

HHAHAHAAAHAAA! That was good one!

Why does Michael Jackson shop at K mart?
He heard that boys pants are half off! :lol2:

AHAHAAAHAAAHAAAAAAAAA!

I have opened a can of worms!

Why does Michael Jackson shop at K mart?
He heard that boys pants are half off! :lol2:

Damned Wolf stop it, you're killin' me!!!! :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Iranian?
Oil of Ole'

How do you say "constipation" in Chinese?
Hung Chow

Back in the 1800s a man & his daughter were traveling by stagecoach, when they were
stopped & robbed by bandits. After the bandits left, the father noticed that his daughter still
had her diamond ring on her finger!
He asked her why the bandits hadn't taken it. "Well, I just took it off & hid it in my mouth till they were gone." She said.
The Father shook his head & muttered "It's a shame we didn't have your mother along...
we could have saved the luggage!"

:laughing:* * * * *:laughing:* * * * * *:laughing:

I will never look the same at a quarter pounder with cheese again.

Whats red and looks like a bucket??


a red bucket :P

it's so stupid, and i know its stupid... but it kills me everytime.

I will never look the same at a quarter pounder with cheese again.




Sorry about that! (I couldn't resist!)

:laughing:

I'm at a computer lab and have to resist bursting out laughing! You know how hard that is? lmao EEEEEW! Quarter pounder. Nasty.

why is 6 afraid of 7?

cause 7 8 9!!....hahaha!! my 7 yr old LOVES that joke!

One atom says to another, "I think I've lost an electron." The other one replies, "Oh my God, are you sure?" The first one says, "I'm positive."

A man walks into a doctor's office and He has a frog growing out of the top of his head!
"How did that happen?" Exclaimed the doctor.
"Gee, Doc, I think it started with a wart!" replied the frog.


A middle aged spinster is sitting alone in her livingroom one night, when her fairy godmother appears, & offers her a wish.
"Oh, I wish you would turn my cat into a handsome Prince!" she said, & poof it was done!
The Prince took her in his arms and bringing his lips close to her ear...
"I'll bet you're sorry you had me fixed!"


There was a family of moles that lived in a hole. One morning, the Papa mole stuck his head out of the hole & sniffed. "I smell Log cabin syrup!" he said.
Next came the Mama mole. She could just get her nose out of the hole. "I smell Aunt Jamima
syrup!" she said.
The baby mole couldn't even reach halfway up the hole.
"I SMELL MOLEASSES!"


The three bears returned from their walk in the woods.
Papa Bear: "Somebody's been drinkin' my booze!"
Mama Bear: "Somebody's been eatin' my beans!"
Baby Bear: "Somebody's been listenin' to my Elvis records!"
Suddenly a mouse came staggering out of his hole:
"(hic) (poop) I'm all shook up!)


:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

MOLEASSES!!!!!!!!!!! I love it! I am telling that one to my husband!

One atom says to another, "I think I've lost an electron." The other one replies, "Oh my God, are you sure?" The first one says, "I'm positive."



hhahahahahaha...

what did the software pirate say?

cd-arrrrrrrrrgh

So the baby monster eats a jogger running by, and the momma monster says:

Hey! I told you a million time before -- NO FAST FOOD!

I heard they're opening a German bra factory near where I live...
It's called "STOPENZEMFROMFLOPPIN!' :laughing: :jump1: :laughing:

Q: How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The light bulb works fine in my office...

??? I don't get it.

???* I don't get it.

You've probably never worked on software. :) Report a bug to a developer or technician and more often than you'd like, he'll come back and say, "Gosh, it works on my system." Not because he's lazy, technical stuff just tends to work or not work based on a variety of factors that may come into alignment for the user but not the developer. Kind of like the familiar 'Heisenbug', which is less easy to see the closer you try and look at it.

OK, that joke took longer to explain than to tell. A bad sign. I'll leave that out of my routine from now on.

I figured it must be an industry joke. :)

OK...these are really dumb

Two peanuts were walking in the park....one of them was asalted.

What did the fish say after it ran into a wall?
Dam

Eggs and bacon walk into a restaraunt and sit down. The waitress comes up and says "I'm sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."* *ahaha..haha :lol2:

:lol2: Cute!

from Pulp Fiction:

Momma tomato daddy tomato and baby tomato walking down the street. Baby tomato lags behind so daddy tomato goes over a squishes him and says
Ketchup!

Duck walks into a bar.* Looks at the barkeeper and asks, "Got any grapes"?

Barkeeper says, "No, we got beer - you wanta beer"?* Duck orders a beer.

Next day - Duck walks into the bar.* Looks at the barkeeper and asks, "Got any grapes"?

Barkeeper says, "No. We don't have grapes.* We have beer - you wanta beer"?* Duck orders beer.

This goes on for a couple more days.

Duck walks into the bar.* Looks at the barkeeper and asks, "Got any grapes"?*

Barkeeper LOSES it!* "Look!* This is a bar!* We don't have grapes!* WE HAVE BEER!* You walk in here one more time and ask for grapes, and I am going to nail your little ducky feet to the bar"!

Next day - Duck walks into the bar.* Looks at barkeeper.* Barkeeper's ready.* Duck says, "Got any nails"?

Barkeeper says, "Nails"?* "We don't have any NAILS"!* Duck looks at Barkeeper, "Got any grapes"?

:lol2:

Hey Gettin Lost, how ya doing?

A group of teenage chess club members from the suburbs have the opportunity to play in a big-time tournament at a nice hotel in Boston. They arrive, unsure of what to expect, and disperse to play their scheduled matches.

By late afternoon, they've finished and gather in the hotel foyer to compare notes. "This is fun," says one, "I won twice today!" Another chimes in, "Me too, I actually beat a big name player from the city."

Suddenly the manager marches over. "I'm sorry," he says, "I'm going to have to ask you to tone it down or leave. This kind of behavior is not tolerated at this establishment."

Confused, the chess players leave. Having overheard the conversation, the desk clerk approaches the manager and says, "None of my business, but don't you think you were a little hard on those guys? They were just talking."

"Maybe you're right," says the manager, "I just can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

::) Groan. Ha Ha. Just kidding. That was cute. At least I got that one. Do they have a smiley face for airhead?

A frog walks into a bank & walks up to a loan officer who's name is Patty Black.
The frog is carrying a sack tied on the end of a stick swung over his shoulder.
"I'd like to take out a loan1" he said.
Patty looks at him & says "What kind of collateral do you have?"
"Just this!" he says & throws th stick with the sack on her desk.
"I'll be right back." she said, & takes the sack & stick to her boss.
"Sir, we have a frog out here wanting a loan & this is all he has to put up as collateral...I
don't even know what this is!"The Boss answers:
"Why, thats a Knick - Knack, Patty Black - give the frog a loan!"


:laughing: :jump1: :laughing: :jump1: :laughing:

Why is 6 afraid of 7 because 7 8 9

I smile everytime I think of that joke. I must think of it more often. :laugh:

I like that one too. I don't know any jokes. :(

My baby brother is starting to learn Knock Knock jokes, but he doesn't know about the punch lines. It's cute. He says Knock Knock. I say Who's there. He says whatever. I say whatever who? And then he says Knock Knock again. It's kinda like a who's on first routine. :)

How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl crimson?
You pull down it's genes!


:lol2:


What's black & white & red all over?
A Penguin with High blood pressure.


What's black & Blue & goes Ding - Dong?
A beat - up Avon lady!

:laughing:

I like my new avie. Ghetto chicks. Get it? Ghetto chicks. :P

I like my new avie.* Ghetto chicks.* Get it?* Ghetto chicks.* *:P

That is very cute, JerseyGirl! I think it would be lunch time for that cat if he were a little bigger!

Oh, but the chicks have a switchblade. Kinda hard to see in it's small form.

That kitten looks pretty freaked out, I would be too if I was be a-quacked! (sorry I couldn't help the pun)

:lol2:

:lol2:

Hey Gettin Lost, how ya doing?


Jersey Girl!!! Mom's great so I'm great!!! ;D

Got any grapes?? :lol2:

GL 8)

Nope just beer. :lol2:

Why was six afraid of seven? CAUSE seven ate(8) nine!!! :lol2:

My 3 year old nephew told me that joke, and I laugh everytime I hear it!

"In Memory of Michelle"

A Grandmother was keeping her 5 y/o Grandson one weekend while his parents went out of town.*

On Sunday morning she walked downstairs to have her coffee and read the paper.* When she got down towards the bottom of the cup she noticed something floating around...* It was a little toy soldier!

Thinking about her mischievous little Grandson she said, "Jimmy!* Come here"!* Jimmy came into the kitchen.* "Jimmy", Granny said, "what is this soldier doing in my coffee cup"?*

Jimmy looked up at his Grandmother and smiled a big smile!* "You know, Grandma"!* "I do", Grandma asked?* "Yes", replied Jimmy!*

Grandma says, "Remind me".*

Jimmy sings,* "The best part of waking up, is Soldier's in your cup"!


```````````````````````````````````````````
See ya upstairs, Sis-tah 'Chelle!

GL* 8)

Jimmy sings, "The best part of waking up, is Soldier's in your cup"!
:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

what's black and white and red all over?

clifford reading the newspaper!

:laugh: :lol2:

Three racehorses were sitting in a bar bragging to each other about their life accomplishments.
The first horse boasts, "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them."
"That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've won 78 of them!"
The third horse joins in, "Well, I've raced 122 times and I've won 102!"
Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!"
The horses look down and see a greyhound.
"I've raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!"
The horses look at the dog in amazement.
One of them says "How about that, a talking dog!"

ha...ha....ha...

What's black & white & red all over?
A Penguin with High blood pressure.

....or with a sunburn! WALT! ;D

::)
Ooooh the pain, the pain.

Why dont witches wear panties?
So they can grip the broom better! :laughing: :blushing:

Holy crap! I wasn't expecting that one!


Soemone had mcdonalds today and I thought of the yeast infection joke!

:D :lol2: :laughing: :jump1: :lol: :jump:

There was this Rabbi who was traveling around the world seeing new places, & he came to this
land of tiny little people called the "Trids".
They were afraid of him, at first, and when he finally got them to talk to him, they explained
that they were being terrorized by this other mean giant.
"Every time one of us comes out of hiding, the mean giant comes out and kicks him!" they said.
Well, the Rabbi decided to go find this mean giant and set him straight!
So he goes out to the cave where the giant was supposed to live & yells "Why don't you come out here, & try kicking me, you big bully!"
But he hears a deep voice come from the darkness of the cave...
"Silly Rabbi...kicks are for Trids!"

:jump:

Okay that was cute!

Whats pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick
:lol: I love them!

alright i'm jumping on the bandwagon for this thread!* i love jokes! there have been some wonderful ones so far!!

Four men were driving down the road, there was a man from nebraska, and man from idaho, a man from new york, and a man from florida.
a little way down the road the man from nebraska rolls down the window and starts throwing ears of corn out the window, the other men ask him what he is doing, and he replies "we have so much of this where i'm from i'm getting sick of looking at it!"
a little farther down the road the man from idaho rolls down the window and starts throwing potatoes out, the others ask him what he is doing, and he replies "we have so much of these where i am from i'm getting sick of looking at them!"
inspired by the other two, the man from florida opens the door and shoves out the man from new york...

:laugh:


ETA: do i have any fellow illinoisians here? if so, i have a great list of "from illinois" jokes!

Chcago burbs here........bring em on!


Pete and Repeat are in a boat, Pete jumps out, whos left?
Pete and Repeat are in a boat, Pete jumps out, whos left?
Pete and Repeat are in a boat, Pete jumps out, whos left?

"Did you hear - We cant write to Washington anymore!"

"Really? Why not?"

"He's dead."

:D ;D :lol2: :laughing: :lol: :jump: :roflmao:

LOL!!!!!!!!! :lol2:

alright to my fellow illinoisians!! having lived in illinois so long i find these all true!!!

Jeff Foxworthy on Illinois:
>
> If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,
you might live in Illinois.
>
> If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the
> year, you might live in Illinois.
>
> If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of
his forehead, you might live in Illinois.
>
> If you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you
might live in Illinois.
>
> If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might
live in Illinois.
>
>
> YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Illinoisan WHEN:
>
> 1. Vacation means going north or south on I55 for the weekend.
>
> 2. You measure distance in hours.
>
> 3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
>
> 4. You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again.
>
> 5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
>
> 6. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
>
> 7. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
>
> 8. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
>
> 9. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road construction, and It's Hot.
>
> 10. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
>
> 11. Down south means Missouri to you.
>
> 12. A brat is something you eat.
>
> 13. You go out to a tailgate party every Friday.
>
> 14. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
>
> 15. You find 0 degrees a "little chilly".
>
> 16. You actually understand these jokes

:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

An Irish family was having a traditional wake for a departed loved one.
They had the casket set up on 3 straight back chairs in the parlor.
Everyone was in the diningroom having drinks, but they ran out of chairs. A few of the men went in the parlor and sat the casket up in the corner on it's end, leaning against the wall, & took the chairs. When the pastor arrived to pay his respects, he saw the casket leaning against the wall,
& ran into the diningroom shouting "Quick! I need three chairs for the corpse!" Everyone jumped to their feet........
"Hip Hip Hurray! Hip Hip Hurray! Hip Hip Hurray!"



What is Irish pillow talk?
"Brace yourself, Bridget !" :clover:

Okay, you've got to be a little interested in history to get this one, but it's funny (to me):

It was a couple days after Lee surrendered to Grant at Apppmattox and a Confederate soldier was sitting on a park bench in Richmond while Union soldiers walked on by. Every time a soldier walked by the Confederate would say, "You might've won the war, but we kicked your butt at Sharpsburg." This happened quite frequenty, soldiers passing by in droves and the Southerner always repeatinng, "You might've won the war, but we kicked your butt at Sharpsburg."

Well, finally them boys in blue got tired of their grey counterpart's heckling.They snatched him up and dragged him before the colonel of their regiment. The colonel told the Confederate if he didn't hush up and sign the oath of allegiance then he'd have to put the soldier in the stockade. Grudgingly, the man signed the oath, because he wanted to get back home to his family in South Carolina. When he left the colonel looked around at his subordinates and said, "We might've won the war, but they kicked our butt at Antietam (Sharpsburg)."

:lol2:

Whay did John Locke say on his wedding night?
"Don't tell me what I can't do!" :laughing:

President Bush was vacationing at Camp David one winter, & got up one snowy morning & went over to the window. He was enraged to see that someone had stood outside his bedroom window & written in the snow with urine: "The President sucks!"

He immediately called for the directors of the F.B.I., C.I.A. & Homeland security. He informed them that if they wanted to keep their jobs, he wanted the culprit found today!

Several hours later, they were back. "Well!" he demanded...
"We have good news & bad news, Mr President...The analysis of the urine is a positive match
for the Vice President....."
"What's the bad news?" He asked.
"It's the first lady's handwriting!" :jump: :roflmao:

This is sooo not funny, but it always makes me giggle ...

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?

... to the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump

*hangs head in shame for being amused by something so lame*

that was a pretty good one, Wolf!!! :roflmao: :w00t: :roflmao: :w00t: :roflmao:

Oh SHeba..so shameful...hence the topic lame jokes we still find funny ;) :lol2:

What's Irish and sits in the backyard all day?

Patty O'Furniture!

what did the five fingers say to the face?

SLAPP!!!!

its all in dave chepelle's delivery

Why don't blind people skydive? BECAUSE IT SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF THEIR DOGS.

:laughing: :lol: :roflmao:

what did the five fingers say to the face?

SLAPP!!!!

its all in dave chepelle's delivery

Chapelle is SOOO funny! I can totally hear him saying that, isn't that from his stand up show in washington? or was that from his TV show?

There were these two statues - a male & a female - that had stood for decades in the city park...
always staring at each other, but never able to touch. One day, a fairy came down & brought them to life saying "I've seen you here for all these long years, & now I'm granting your greatest wish.
You have one hour to do what you've always wanted to do - then, you become statues again!"
The man & woman grinned & ran off into the bushes. About 45 minutes later, they came out looking very satisfied indeed!
The man says:"WE still have 15 minutes left...wanna do it again?"
"Sure", she said, "but this time, you hold the pigeon, & I'll S*** on him!"

;D

heard this one on Comicview... no one else in the room laughed but me :P

Condoms usually come in packs of 6, 8 and 12. The 6 packs are for the Mexican dudes, one for everyday of the week but they take Sunday's off. The 8 packs are for the brothers, one for everyday of the week and doubleup on Sunday's. The 12 pack is for the white dudes, one for January, one for February, one for March...

A woman was riding on a subway train when suddenly, the man sitting next to her started jerking his elbow & hitting her in the side, "Pardon me, sir!" she said angrily. The man turned red . "I'm sorry,
Ma'am, but I got that in Viet Nam." The woman was quite embarrassed & moved to another seat.
Before long, the man next to her started jerking his leg & hitting her leg. "I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I
cant help it. I got that in Korea"
Even more embarrassed now, the woman changed seats again. This time, the man next to her was violently shaking his finger in front of him. "Oh dear!" she said. "Did you get that in the war?"
"No Ma'am!" he said, still jerking his finger. " I got it out of my nose, & it wont come off!"

;D :lol2: :laughing: :lol: :jump: :roflmao:

Okay here's one:

One day Little Johnny was playing outside and a honeybee started buzzing around him and bugging him so he took a rock and killed it. Well his mom saw and wanting to teach him a lesson she came outside and said "Son I saw what you did you can't have any honey for a week."

Later Little Johnny was playing again and a butterfly was buzzing around him so he took a rock and killed it. His mom saw, came outside and told him that he couldn't have any butter for a week.

Well later that afternoon Little Johnny came inside and sat down beside his mom at the table. His dad came walking in the door and tripped over the cat. The dad got really mad and kicked the cat across the room. Little Johnny looked at his mom and said "Do you want to tell him or can I?" :roflmao: :clover:

There were these two guys who were best friends & huge baseball fans! One day, they decided
that whichever one of them were to die 1st would try to send a message back to the other as to
whether they played baseball in Heaven.
Well, one of them died, & after about a week, the other one was walking down the sidewalk, when
a baseball falls out of a clear sky, & lands right in front of him! Well, he picks it up & it's got
writing on it. "We've already got a team going!" it said. Ecstatically, He turns the ball over & finds
more..."Next week, you're pitchin' !"

;D

Knock Knock

Whose there?

Impatient Cow

Impatient Cow Wh......

Moooooooooooooooooooooooo!

its even lamer when written out.

I heard this one at work tonight...

There were two cows standing out in the field talking to each other:

1ST cow: "Guess what? I just got artificially inseminated !"
2nd cow: "You did? Really?"
1st cow: "Really....No Bull !"

:jump:

A man named Arthur wanted to be a Hit man, & finally got hired to kill a man's wife. Since it was his first time, he agreed to do it for just a dollar, 'cause he needed the practice.
He finally corners the wife in the produce section at the local Foodworld & strangles her to death.
Unfortunately, another woman witnessed the killing, & he had to strangle her too! He was caught anyway, & the next day, the headline in the paper read:

"Artie chokes 2 for a dollar at Foodworld !" :roflmao:

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hotdog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
When the monk asked for his change, the vendor replied, "Change comes from within."

There was a woman who was shopping in a big department store/mall & was alone on the elevator.
She had to fart really bad & figured she was alone on the elevator, so why not? So she let it go
and it was so rotten it made her eyes water! It was practically peeling the paint on the walls! Suddenly it occurred to her that someone could get on the elevator any minute & would know she had done it! So - desperately she searched through her bag for a can of pine scented air freshener she had bought & just emptied it into the elevator!
No sooner had she put the can away, then the doors opened & in staggered this wino who barely made it to the back of the elevator before turning around & sniffing....
"Damn!" He slurred. "Smells like somebody s*** a Christmas tree!" :laugh:

"A mushroom walked into a bar and said, "Drinks for everyone, on me!"
The bartender said, "Hey, you're pretty generous."
And the mushroom said, "Yeah, I'm just a fungi (fun guy)."

It's lame, but it makes me laugh every time.

And this is a joke a friend of mine once told our acting class. He didn't get a single laugh, but I promised him I'd put it somewhere in my novel anyway.

Q: How do you find a dead baby in a pile of live ones?
A: With a pitchfork.

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!

Don't get me started on dead baby jokes!
I know every one of them!
I'm trying to keep it in (reasonably) good taste! :D

LOL, sorry!

That's the only one I know; my friend was a veritable fountain of them, but I've lost touch with him and the pitchfork is the only one I can remember, so it's the one going into my novel. Somewhere in my novel, anyway.

The optimist says, "The glass is half full."
The pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."
The engineer says, "The glass is twice as big as it needs to be."

And here's one for all you engineers out there...

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who know binary, and those who don't. :)

Why did the owner have to get rid of his blonde doberman pinscher?

Because when the thieves broke in she growled and bit herself!

soo embarassing...

Q: How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The light bulb works fine in my office...


The version I heard was:

Q: How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None. That's a hardware problem.

The optimist says, "The glass is half full."
The pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."
The engineer says, "The glass is twice as big as it needs to be."



I just want to know who's been drinking my beer??

I always get a luagh out of this one...and yes, it's a polish one.

There were three constuction workers working on a new parking garage, an Irish man, an Italian man, and a polish man. They were on their lunch break at the top of their building eating their sandwiches. So the Irish man says, "If my wife packs me a ham sandwich one more time, I'll jump off this roof!" The Italian says, "If I have to eat a meatball sandwich one more time I'm jumping off this building!" The polish man says, "If I get a turkey sandwich one more time I'm jumping!" The next day they all got the same thing and each one of them jumped off the building. A couple of days later at the funerals, all the wifes were hudled together crying. The Irish wife said, "I blame myself, I always packed his lunch," The Italian wife said, "I blame myself, I always thought he loved meatballs." The polish wife said, " I feel awful, but I don't blame myself...he packed his own lunch! :laugh:

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.



Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.

There were these three traveling salesmen who all stopped at a farmer's house wanting a place to spend the night, One was Jewish, One was from India, & the 3rd was Polish. The farmer said they could all sleep in the barn. We'll, as it was still early, the farmer invited them to watch some TV
with him before bedtime.
After awhile, the Jewish man stretched & yawned, and said he was turning in. He was gone for just a minute, and came back to the house. "I'm sorry, sir" he said, "but there's a pig in that barn! Pigs
are unclean, & I will not sleep with a pig!" The farmer understood, & gave him a room inside.
Next, the Indian man said he was turning in, but after a minute, he too returned. "I'm sorry, sir, but there is a cow in that barn. Cows are Sacred, & I am not worthy to sleep with a cow!" The farmer understood & gave him a room inside.
Now, the Polish man said he was turning in, but after a minute, there was a knock at the door.
The farmer answered it, & there were the cow & the pig! :roflmao:

this ones for you Lonewolf, a little payback for all the Kentucky jokes ;D

What do you call a resident of Indiana who owns both goats and pigs?




a bisexual

That one reminded me of a joke!


if a kitchen is in a house, and Diana is in the house, what's In diana?

A STATE!(get it indiana) :)

this ones for you Lonewolf, a little payback for all the Kentucky jokes ;D

What do you call a resident of Indiana who owns both goats and pigs?




a bisexual



Ha! Good one! (I was wondering when I was gonna get paid back!)

Here's some short, but corny ones...

Why do people have belly buttons?
'cause when God was through making everybody, He went down the line poking everybody, saying:
"You're done - You're done - You're done................................."


What do you call a Mexican with 12 kids?
El Producto!


What do you get if you run a canary through a fan?
Shredded Tweet !


What comes running out of a forest fire?
Crispy critters

:jump: :roflmao:

LMAO, OMG those are funny! Shredded tweet, hahahahahaha! This thread has got to be my favourite! It's a feel good thread! :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

Did you hear about the forgotten tribe of Indians - (there are only 500 of them left) Who all have
no nipples?
They're called the Indian nippless 500!


Also, there's the Take -a -hockey tribe.........led by Chief Big Fart Poop -in -the -pants!

:laughing: :lol: :roflmao:

:getlost: :ermm:

:no2:

OK, I am an engineer and an official nerd, so I can tell this one...

An engineering student arrives at the lab and is met by his friend, who rides up on a beautiful brand-new bicycle. "Hey, nice bike!" he says, "Where'd ya get it?"

His friend says, "You're not going to believe this! I was walking over here and all of a sudden, this drop-dead gorgeous girl rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike down, tore off all her clothes and said, 'Take whatever you want!'"

"Good choice," nods the first student, "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

:laughing:That sounds like it could have been a line from Dumb & Dumber!

Here's one of my favorites...

A girl walks into a tatoo parlor, & tells the man "I want a picture of Paul McCartney here!(indicating the inside of her upper thigh.) & I want John Lennon here! (The other thigh)
So the man finally finishes the tatoos, & hands her a mirror.
The girl is outraged! "That doesn't look a thing like them!" she said.
"OK....let's get an unbiased opinion! said the tatooist, and pulls the 1st person he finds in from the street. (It happens to be a wino!)
"Tell us...doesn't that look just like Paul McCartney on the left & John Lennon on the right?"
The wino leans in really close & stares for a minute.....
"I dont know about those two guys you said...but the one in the middle with the beard & the bad breath has got to be Willy Nelson!"

Three guys - An engineer, a doctor & a lawyer were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
The engineer calls his dog: "Laddie, go for it!"
Laddie immediately builds a scale model of the Taj* Mahal out of toothpicks! The man gives laddie
a bone & says "Good dog!"
The Doctor calls his dog: "E.R., Do it!"
E.R. immediately performs an emergency C section on a woman, with the mother & child coming through in fine shape! The doctor gives E.R. a bone & says "Good dog!"
The lawyer grins & calls his dog: "Go, Sharky!"

Sharky immediately screws the other two dogs & takes their bones! :laughing: :roflmao:

I just heard this one today on Chappell's Show, lmao!

What did the five fingers say to the face?

SLAP!

:lol:

omg, it was so funny!* :roflmao:

Knock, Knock:

Who's there?

Interrupting cow

Interrupting MOOO cow who...

:w00t:

A teacher was writing some stuff on the blackboard - there was a lot to put up there, so she
had to reach up really high, & her dress lifted up. Everybody started laughing, & she turned around and said "Alright, what's so funny?"
A little boy told her he had seen one of her garter straps. She got mad & threw him out, saying
"You cant come back for 3 days!"
She went back to writing, & realized she had forgotten to put a title, so she had to reach up even higher! Once again, the class started laughing. "Now, what's so funny?" she said.
Another boy told her they had seen both of her garter straps!
She threw him out, saying he couldn't come back for 3 weeks!
Now, as she turned back to the blackboard, she dropped her chalk, & bent over to get it.
Little Johnny immediately got up & started to leave the classroom. The teacher said: "Where do
you think you're going?!"
"Well, teacher," he replied, "From what I just saw, I'd say my school days are over!"

I'm still finding fart jokes hilarious!